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Miss Red Flag

Women come in different shapes and sizes. It’s like reading an electronic book with alternating pages. A choose your own adventure kind of experience. Our logical mind, heart and libido tend to have different ideas regarding who might be the right person to pursue. Learning to find a compromise that makes every part of you happy can be borderline impossible long term. Since part of my mission is to help you date more efficiently and not waste precious time I will give you a list of red flags that you shouldn’t ignore.

Miss Red Flag Contenders!

Miss Rebound. She needs to be in a relationship at all times and will set up a new nest before destroying the one she’s in. She’s constantly looking for someone better and will drop you the moment she secures her next “upgrade.” She fears nights alone and informs Facebook every time she leaves the house. Update status: It’s complicated.

Drunk girl at the party. She feels most comfortable when she’s bar hoping the night away. She who-hoos with her posse until the sun comes up even on a Tuesday. This girl will run up your tab getting plastered every night then you can hold back her hair while she covers your leather seats with vomit. Then if you still feel like doing the deed when you get home. “Like me remind you alcohol loosens *everything* up and desensitizes you. OMG I’m so wasted. Have you seen my purse?”

Miss Dependent. Her family, husbands, boyfriends, divorce settlements have created a life for her in which she has never relied on herself for anything. She has no ambition and no interest in an education or career. Really good at doing nothing.. Like a poor Kardashian.

Miss Prada only wears the finest fabrics and if it’s not designer she doesn’t want it in the same room. She is obsessed with fashion and has her cosmetic dentist and plastic surgeon on speed dial. She has a section in her closet just for yachting attire and if you don’t own a yacht, it’s a problem. First class or nothing.

Miss pill popper. She has more ailments than a lab rat and she knows which doctors are loose with the prescription pad. No one really seems to know what’s wrong with her and her extreme moods are more entertaining than an amusement park. “I haven’t seen a pill I wouldn’t want to pop.”

The stuffer. She agrees with everything you say. She’s a “sweetheart” and projects a selfless demeanor. Seems fine and dandy if you’re the type of man who doesn’t mind a girl without her own opinion but in actuality she has an opinion and she keeps stuffing her own feelings and ideas deep deep down in order to appear more appealing to you. This is a passive woman that ends up becoming something more akin to the violent eruption at Pompeii vs. the sweetheart you thought you knew. Put simply, this sweet bitch gets CRAY. “Whatever you want.”

The perma-kid. This girl is forever 16. She’s anti authority and likes to cause a scene. She’ll end up being the 60+ year old grannie that has the droopy tattoos and still thinks she’s hip. You might like a good thrill but with this girl the thrill never stops… until you end up in jail. “If you love me you’ll do it.”

Miss Bling Bling. She loves bedazzling everything and her favorite color is leopard. Her boobs are too big for any bra at Victoria Secrets and her motto is go big or go home. She needs attention at all times so when you’re going to the bathroom she’s texting 10 other guys. If you’re going to take this girl home I suggest wearing a condom. “Glitter is forever.”

Miss Baby Fever. She tracks her ovulation with an app on her phone. This is the girl that loves sex and refuses to use birth control or at least she tells you she’s on the pill, but you’ve personally never seen a single pill. This girl is obsessed with having offspring and will do and say anything necessary to achieve this objective. Note: This girl will want you to stick around but mostly to pay child support. “Pulling out is against my religion.”

Damsel in distress. This is a “Whoa is me” type of human being. Her life is more dramatic than a Quentin Tarantino film. Her parents abandoned her and from that point her life was one traumatic occurrence after another. She seems to disappear at night and always has a thick stack of one dollar bills in her purse. She hasn’t eaten in days and she’s starving.. for you to come to her rescue. “Help!”

Miss not right now. She’s not in the right place in her life for a relationship but maybe tomorrow. You hang on because she’s unpredictable and mysterious and she’ll stick around for a bit while you pay the bill. “Ask me tomorrow.”

Although we have a need for excitement and uncertainty don’t get fooled by these types. We’ve all been fooled by an obvious trap but the great thing about being human is the ability to grow and learn from our mistakes. It’s time to break the pattern and get a better result!

Happy Humping,

Erika Jordan Loveologist,

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